Day 15, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Modern Day Chivalry

"In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered." ~1 Peter 3:7


My husband pushes the grocery cart through the snow while holding onto me so my poor arthritic legs don't give out and I fall.

My husband brings me my medicine so I don't have to go up or down the stairs and heats up my heat packs for me without me even having to ask.

My husband can make me laugh even when I'm so mad at him I want to spit fire.

My husband prays for me more than I'll ever know.

My husband has learned to not walk as fast when I'm with him and reaches to hold my hand when I least expect it and does so knowing how to hold my hand without it hurting.

My husband knows that disease has changed me and changed our marriage as well as our future, but he loves me anyway.

My husband can fix a toilet, wire a house, and install a furnace. But at the end of the day, he's still man enough to flip some grilled cheese when his wife is in too much pain to stand at the stove.

My husband treats my son like his own son and together we have a tried and true family though we've never shared the blessing of having our own children.

My husband is thousands of miles away, but in a world where wives are disrespected everyday, I am blessed to have a husband who still believes in treating me well and loving not only who I am, but who I am changing into each and every day.....and I miss him.

Day 11, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - The Joy of Letting It Snow

So....we got about 3-5 inches of snow today. Two days ago it was 40+ degrees. The low tonight is supposed to be 11. Oh the cruelty of living through Ohio winters. And Ohio summers. This is not an RA/fibromyalgia friendly state.

So my pain has been bad to okay to tolerable to less tolerable...not quite to "bad" yet again. I would say that I'm ready for spring so that I'll feel better, but last year that didn't seem to make too much of a difference. The winter is bad for the RA and the summer is bad for the fibromyalgia. Whaddaya gonna do?

So, I guess my best option is to just find joy. Joy in friends that come over to visit. Joy in the sound of my boys laughter. Joy in the cuddle of my dogs next to me. Joy in the smell and feel of a blanket right from the dryer. Joy in the beauty of freshly fallen, beautiful white snow.

And I think....oh to have 90 degrees and sunny in Haiti.....

Don't forget, I'm still accepting donations to try to make it to Haiti to the work camp for it's dedication. Go www.paypal.com under premierbyjacque@yahoo.com. All donations are SUPER appreciated!!!

Day 8, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Swallowing Pride

My husband has asked me to join him for the dedication ceremony at the camp where he has been working in Haiti on March 4. Though I am a very prideful person and don't like to ask for donations, my ONLY option for making this happen is by putting it out there. Please feel free to contact me directly at premierbyjacque@yahoo.com or you can go to Paypal and make a payment using the same email address.

I guess the only way to see what God can do with something is by putting the need out there.

Day 4, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Not a Word

"Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." ~1 Peter 3:4

The past few days have been quiet and relatively drama free. Of course, I have boys so when I say relatively, I mean, well, relatively speaking. I spoke with Chris for the first time today since he left the states on Monday. I've been focusing on my physical health and readjusting the boys schedule that I haven't really taken the time to get emotional about it.

Until today.

There is a certain feeling of finality when folding the remainder of Chris' clean laundry. I leave some of his sweatshirts hanging in the basement just because I like the idea that they're still out and not put away. I leave his tennis shoes under the coffee table where he last took them off because it makes me remember that he's still a presence here.

So, I shed some tears while folding laundry. But you know what? God is faithful. It was only minutes from finishing that task that my husband called to make sure that he would be able to talk to me today. The quiet and focus on rest has been nice, but it doesn't mean that I haven't missed the presence of my husband. There is so much about him that I miss, even if it's just his snoring that wakes me in the middle of the night.

"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times." ~Lamentations 3:25 (The Message)

So God has proven to me in the last year that He has been so meticulously working on me for the past 5 years. I never dreamed that this is where I would be right now. It's so much better than I thought I would have. I have a husband who loves me and a Savior who has brought me to a place of trust in that husband, but more importantly a trust in the faithfulness of the Lord.

So, I have a busy weekend ahead, but I'm going to continue to relish in the quiet evenings that the Lord is giving me and pray that I can start having a gentler, quieter spirit in the days to come.

Day 3, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Wordless Wednesday, 1 year anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti

Let us not forget the people of Haiti......

Day 1, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Better than expected

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."~Charles M. Schulz

I would have to say it was by far the worst "goodbye" to date and yet the best "goodbye" to date. Hard for both of us, though Chris would never admit it, but reassuringly the last goodbye for quite some time. The final 8 weeks left to go, with prayers being sent regularly for the project to finish early. All 8 weeks have teams scheduled to work and I know that Chris is looking forward to seeing old friends come back for a second time to work on the camp. At first he didn't want to take the video camera, but I think it hit us both at the same time that we wanted to be able to share with others what the finished camp looks like.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." ~1 Peter 4:10

So, my loving husband is off to serve using the skills that the Lord has gifted him (he has yet to accept that one of those is leadership,)and I find God's timing impecable as always as my Women's Ministry Leadership Training just happen to begin the same week that my husband leaves for missions work. Hmmm. Funny how God works that way. My mission may be much different than my husband's, but no less important. Just closer to home and closer to heart.

Sometimes, I think most people have the wrong perspective of missions work. Sure, there's a great big world out there with great big needs, but if you narrow it down....look to the neighbor on your right and the neighbor on your left, I can almost guarantee that one of them is in need. Most likely both of them are in need of kind. My mission remains unclear, but the fog is lifting occasionally. Yes, Lord, I know I have work here to be done.

Pre-Departure, Trip 4 - Haiti Mission - Coach Jesus

"And in the end, when God takes off the blindfold, you will find yourself in a place in life you never imagined you would be. You may have thought all that time you were hurting, burning in pain, lonely, or feeling your life was wasted, was never wasted a bit. God knew all along that you would win that race and then He could use you in an entirely new astonishing way you never dreamed of." ~Lisa Copen, Founder, www.restministries.com

The past 7 weeks have been wonderful having my husband home on leave from his mission. There have been times of adjustment and disagreement, but overall lovely. However, 4 of those 7 weeks I have been sick in one form or another. Between RA and fibromyalgia flares, the stomach flu, or just a plain old head cold, I have been battling illness like a trooper. Previously during this mission, God has reminded me that he has set things up to happen a certain way for a certain reason. Granted, he won't always tell me when and why, but I have faith that there is a reason I have been struggling so much. I like to think that it's because in a few days I won't have anyone here to take care of me, and that's when it's time to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. Right now, Chris is somewhat available to care for me, so why not let him?

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." ~2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)

Day 18, Trip 3 - Haiti Mission - Mercy Defined

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Your's
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.
~Hillsong United, "Hosanna"



When I took an online quiz a few months ago to help identify my spiritual gifts, the gift of mercy wasn't something I was really familiar with and to be honest I didn't think the quiz had done it's job. I was pretty sure that wasn't me. I mentally tossed it aside....until tonight.

I stumbled across a blog tonight regarding the homeless in this country and one man's mission to get their stories "out there." The beginning of his blog reads:

On the street I saw a small girl cold and shivering in a thin dress, with little hope of a decent meal. I became angry and said to God; “Why did you permit this? Why don’t you do something about it?” For a while God said nothing. That night he replied, quite suddenly:

“I certainly did something about it. I made you.”

Amazing. Not that I don't already know that God created each and every one of us for a purpose to further his kingdom, but oh what it would be like to hear God specifically tell you, this is what I made you for. Most of us flounder around trying to figure out what God's will is for our life. I'm finding that God just kind of points in you the right direction if you'll just relax and let him. In fact, we're pre-programmed by God with spiritual gifts designed specifically for us and our personalities.

Which brings me back to the original question.....What is the gift of Mercy and do I really have it? (Call me crazy that I tend to not trust online surveys.) The gift of mercy is defined as "the capacity to feel and express unusual compassion and sympathy for those in difficult or crisis situations and provide them with the necessary help and support to see them through tough times.*" In the past 2 days I have found myself very emotionally wrapped up in the lives of friends or those close to the family just due to their circumstances and medical crises. Then tonight I find my heart breaking for the homeless and me wanting to do something. I don't know what, but something. So I cry out to God just as Hillsong proclaims...."break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for the kingdom's cause....." I want to do more....or do I?

You see the problem with the RA and the fibromyalgia is the fatigue and the lack of ability to commit. I have struggled numerous times and probably will continue to struggle with the way I end up disappointing people because they can't count on me, I sign up to help or agree to do something and due to pain levels or extreme exhaustion I end up having to back out of those plans. So while I want to do more and to serve more, what happens when I can't commit or can't follow through with the service I agreed to? But what about the times when I'm not merciful? Does that mean I really don't have this gift? I don't know. What I do know is that there are times when my compassion runs thin....when I've tried to be there so many times and tried to be Jesus to someone or numerous someones and have felt as if I were running into a wall each and every time. But then I hear a song...."if it takes fifteen times, to hear about Jesus...for someone to believe. Wherever I stand in line, I've gotta make a difference, in case it comes down to me....because I may be third, I may be the seventh...there may be years in between....what if I'm fifteen? What if I'm fifteen? What if I'm fifteen?"



Something that God has been teaching me these past months....."you can always pray." You see it doesn't take perfect health or wealth to pray and connect to the heart of God. God hears me clearly whether sitting in a pew or laying in bed. My fear of commitment or rather the fear of rejection from my lack of ability to commit has been the stumbling block for being obedient to God's call. God has been steadily pushing me to start a small group for women battling chronic pain for, oh, I'd probably say about a year now, (which up until recently I was answering with a very firm "but I don't want to!") What I'm starting to discover is that the issue of fear and of disappointing others is precisely why I NEED to do it. Because there are others that are in the same spot and the Lord wants to use them. Jesus wants them to know that they are important to the kingdom of God. The Lord is simply asking me to be a voice, a teacher, a supporter for a population of people that the church isn't listening to or that the church doesn't really understand. But guess what? I do. I know the pain. I know the emotional pain that comes along with losing friends because you break plans too often. I know the hurt that comes when the diagnosis gets older and people think you've gotten better when you never will. I know the longing and desire to be used and to serve even when your body is telling you there is no way that you can do it. I see them!!! I believe them!!! I want to tell them that God is desperately reaching for them to use them!!! And I want them to see that even though I am completely imperfect, that God is using my ability to relate to them to further His kingdom and help give a voice to an area of the congregation that has been vastly ignored or overlooked.

It's a choice. Do you use the gift God has given you or do you fall victim to the world and let selfishness and hypocrisy and judgement suffocate that gift? It's the choice you make to pray for someone despite who's in the room. It's the choice you make to be the friend you're supposed to be. It's the choice you make spend time with someone despite the comments of others and even despite your own desire to turn away. I choose to do it because God's word promises "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." Matthew 5:7 and I believe that God is true to His word.

So yes, by looking at who I am inside and how I relate to others, what others may view as overemotional I would have to say is perhaps what God has ordained as the gift of mercy. I see that I have "the ability to "walk in another's shoes" and to feel the pain and burdens they carry. The desire to make a difference in the lives of hurting people without being judgmental. Though I may have a difficult time evaluating the intentions of others and at times appear naïve.*" Now, I just need to learn how to lasso my gift and to use it as God intended it, because if I am fifteen and choose to not use it, I'm wasting the gift that God chose so carefully just for me.

*http://theresurgence.com/2009/07/13/spiritual-gifts-mercy

Day 11, Trip 3 - Haiti Mission - A Quick Blip on Gluten-Free Knowledge

“Pain was not given thee merely to be miserable under; learn from it, turn it to account.” - Thomas Carlyle

So, it was very disheartening, especially after yesterday's post and putting it out there that I had gone gluten-free, to then awaken this morning very stiff and in a lot of pain. The weather was beautiful yesterday and predicted to be high pressure, warm, dry, and beautiful for the next couple of days. To say I was grouchy was an understatement. To use a phrase commonly heard from a good friend of mine, I was snarky. Crusty. A notch higher than just plain irritated.

The problem with trying to eat out and being gluten-free is that when you assume that you're getting something that should be fine, sometimes you don't. I had a Harvest Apple Chicken Salad from Wendy's last night, which included all of the necessary little packets to put on the salad. I checked the ingredients on the Apple Vinegarette, which was fine, but on a side note, they include "spiced" dried apples and "spiced" carmelized walnuts and let me guarantee you they aren't just spiced....they're knock you out of your chair HOT. Which apparently should have tipped me off immediately to stop...eating.

My research this evening is proving that I don't know NEARLY what I need to know about what foods and other things that may contain gluten....including, but not exclusive to: cosmetics, medication, carmel coloring, the lickable glue on envelopes, cleaning products, etc........and I could go on and on. So I'll save that for another night. While this "seasonal" salad isn't listed in Wendy's nutritional information, what I'm getting to is that whatever Wendy's used to coat those Spiced Carmelized Walnuts in, I'm pretty sure contained some form of gluten. "How do you know?" you ask....because the only "nut" listed on their website, Roasted Pecans, per the nutritional information/ingredients listed on their website contains "maltodextrin". That's right. Gluten. For the same reason that I can't eat Doritos, regular BBQ chips, or Cheetos is probably the same culprit in the coating on those walnuts.

Do not be mistaken. I am 100% encouraged by the fact that my pain and stiffness this morning could very well be a result of actually having gluten instead of the opposite. I would love for this to be a signal that this gluten-free thing is really having some effect, but I'm sticking to my guns about it being too early to tell. However, I know that I could rant on and on about how the list of things that "may" contain gluten is completely absurd, but no one wants to read that. So I guess that leave me with just one thing left to say......

If I can no longer have the carmel coloring in cola, I guess I'll have to start drinking my rum straight.

Day 10, Trip 3 - Haiti Mission - Discuss Amongst Yourselves....

Though I've made it no secret in everyday life, I have yet to really dive into my new undertaking of switching to a gluten free diet here on the blog. There is a sneaky mommy part of me that is trying to make this switch and have it be oblivious to my children. However, had I served them my first attempt at a frozen gluten free pizza crust, I think they would have clearly ran to the bathroom making vomiting noises the entire way. Yes....it was that bad. Truly.

There are some real bonuses to being gluten free. For instance, M&M's are gluten free, (which explains the sudden weight gain), and it forces me to cook outside the box. I made some killer vegetable soup, an apple sweet potato soup, and a wonderful chicken and veggies in the crockpot. Today I even had a Double cheeseburger with grilled onions and mushrooms from Five Guys Burgers and Fries (www.fiveguys.com), without the bun of course and it was FAB-U-LOUS. The downside? No rolls. No muffin. No biscuits. No bread. This is definitely bothersome to me as bread can be so comforting. What am I going to do without a good ol' PB & J? Today my boss so graciously ordered pizza for our entire department and while I put the order in for her, I realized I couldn't eat any of it. Well, that sucks.


So, I went on a mission tonight.....finding something, ANYTHING, that will help me dive into the realm of baking my own gluten free goodies. First stop? Trader Joe's. While I know that some people rave about the place, I found it very difficult to figure out what was gluten free and what was not as they were all mixed in together and I couldn't find the little "g" they put on their gluten free stuff and people (snooty, earthy people) were mad because I was taking too long looking at the ingredients....**sigh** I did walk away with some gluten free pancake mix, ginger snaps, and crackers. I also picked up some sweet apple chicken sausage, which intrigued me.

My next stop was Meijer, only because I had some gift cards that I could use and it was right next to Trader Joe's. To my pleasant surprise....the wonderful people at Meijer had a section of the store that was dedicated to gluten free. Imagine that. All in one spot. But my greatest discovery was in the traditional baking goods supply aisle. What to my wondering eyes did appear? That's right....the infamous Betty Crocker spoon stared me right in the face floating above a title banner that I never thought possible. "Gluten Free". I did a double take. "Betty Crocker". "Gluten Free". Well alright then, I'll give that a try. Go ahead, twist my arm. I also picked up some pizza crust mix and am hoping for a much better result than the first. I NEED a perfected pizza crust and QUICK!!

So the week will be filled with gluten free experimental recipes, just don't tell my kids. I should know within this week if this gluten free thing is going to work at reducing my pain. To say that I'm skeptical is putting it lightly. It feels like I'm always being told that "if you just" do this or that you could reduce your pain. Sleep more, exercise, eat more fish, avoid gluten, take supplements, don't over exercise, don't just sit around, but be sure to rest when you need to. I truly believe there is no "miracle" treatment plan, especially for the fibromyalgia. The rheumatoid arthritis is a beast of it's own, but the fibro is what I'm fighting so hard to get past. Just when I think this no gluten thing is working, my pain level is going up this evening.

But maybe it's the Tai Chi.
It could be I was on my feet too much today.
Is there a weather front moving in?
Did I lift something?
Am I walking right?

It's just so hard to figure out what's causing the pain. I can see how doctor's get frustrated with us with all of these possibilities, none of which there is really a test for. The key is to keep the positive attitude and the optimism that something will help. Perhaps I won't notice it at first, but something will work. I just keep plugging away and seeing what happens.

Day 8, Trip 3 - Haiti Mission - An Attitude of Grattitude

“The presence of a caring person can have an actual, measurable effect on pain and healing.” - Dr. Paul Brand

Ok, let's just put it out there.....I've had a really tough week. I'm finding it hard to believe that Chris has only been gone a week, but I truly think it's because the week has been so incredibly difficult, first emotionally but then physically. My physical pain was dramatically decreased after therapy last Thursday, but came back with a vengence on Saturday when the rain moved in and it hit me.....HARD. I was exhausted and in pain for almost 4 days straight, which hasn't happened to me in a long time. Then, last night, my son got sick in the middle of the night so I was home another day caring for him.

Being that hindsight is always 20/20, I have to believe that one of the reasons that the pain was so intense was the pity party it caused me. I was alone. Chris had left, my boys were gone, and all of my friends have families and obligations of their own, which made me feel so alone. Just me and the pain. That's a really hard place to be. I have been blessed to be a part of an online bible study on the life of King David by Wendy Blight (www.wendyblight.com) and on Monday, she talked about the Dark Nights of the Soul that David went through. It has been a great and powerful study at this time of my life, to see that the man classified as a man after God's own heart went through dark times and times of feeling abandoned and alone. It's how we react to that darkness that's important. So many times I have turned to the words, advice, hugs, and reassurance of my friends here on earth and sometimes that's our downfall. Sometimes those are the times that God wants desperately for us to bring our heartache to Him and not to anyone else. Last week was one of those times and I reached out to validate some of the emotions I was feeling. What I should have done was take everything and all of my suffering to the Lord.

That brings me to today. Today I am in a place where I am just thankful. Thankful for the reminder that God has placed wonderful giving people in my life in the physical absence of my husband. Thankful that my husband is checking in on me and our family daily if not more to make sure everyone is safe and healthy. Thankful that I have friends that are being and doing the things that I have normally been leaning on Chris to do, like rental property maintenance and running to the store to buy some Sprite for my sick son.

Most of all, thankful that I have a Savior. Not just a savior, but a friend, a lover, a therapist, a healer. That in the midst of all that this life can throw at me, there is one who knows me better than I know myself and is calling me to know Him more. The One who cries out to me to spend time with him and wants to comfort me when there is no one else around to do it. My Great Physician who continues to ordain days of rest when I would otherwise push myself to do more than my human body will allow. Who reminds me that He has a plan and that if I will just wait....just be patient....that it will all come together and I....we as a family....will be blessed by the service and sacrifice that we're continuing to go through.

“Jesus did not come to explain away suffering or remove it. He came to fill it with His Presence.” - Paul Claudel

Oh Lord, help me to keep this attitude....that I may thank you more and worry about myself less.

Day 3, Trip 3 - Haiti Mission - Brick House

The eight short days I was able to spend with my husband ended 2 days ago as he got on a plane bound for Haiti yet again for the third leg, and what I had hoped was the last trip of what has now turned into a long term mission building a camp to house missionaries in the village of Chambrun, Haiti. Though the last 2 days of his stay were probably the most stiff and most fatigued days I have had in months, which....'tis the season.

After a conversation I had with Chris last night I found myself literally plummetted into a HUGE valley of depression and despair and it completely caught me off guard. I have had many conversations with many friends and acquaintances talking about how I knew that Chris was doing what God had called him to do and how supportive I am of that. So how, you ask, did I get to the point of sobbing and weeping that I was at today only 2 days after he had left? A combination of things really, I suppose. I really believe that as much as I long to see my husband and have him physically present here for a time, it really is a huge adjustment when he returns and again when he leaves. More so this time after 8 weeks than the first time after only 3. The big issue was that Chris told me last night that his return date of November 14 may not be a permanent return date....that he may have to go back.....again.

When I look back on the past 3 months and the things I have done, have not done, have endured, have surrendered....how can I NOT be encouraged? God has been so faithful both in my sickness and in my heartache. He has given me the ability to communicate with my husband in a foreign country every night....EVERY NIGHT!!! Even 5 years ago, that probably wouldn't have been a possibility, but God is faithful in reminding me of the ways he is keeping me connected to Chris even while he's far away. God blessed me with 8 days, most of which included what I heard a Christian author once describe as "red-hot monogamy". But more than that to kiss him every morning and cuddle up with him every night. Some people would say "it was only 8 days," but let me assure you, my friends, it was 8 of the best days of my life after having him gone for 8 weeks.

So, what was today all about?

I've said it once, I'll say it again.....fear. Fear of the "what if's" and the "could be's". I spoke with a couple of good friends today, one who reminded me that our mind is the hardest thing to battle and the other reminding me that battles of the flesh are much more common that spiritual ones, though I'm not discounting the possibility of the enemy attacking me in this area. I am quite aware that having a husband on the mission field and then stepping out in leadership in my own areas of ministry is more than an open door for attack, but almost an invitation for it. I have to laugh at myself because I think more than it actually being attack, it's the fear of being under attack that has me all in disarray. The "what if" Chris comes under spiritual attack? A battle of the mind.

Secondly, selfishness...a battle of the flesh. I just want him home. It's that simple. My heartaches for him. I love him and I'm ready to have my family back together. In the past week or so, I have heard a couple of people compare me to an army wife. My answer to that has been (I didn't say it today, but I thought it,) that I am an army wife, my husband is serving in God's army. When God says go, you go and God will let you know when your tour of duty is over.

Thirdly, my wonderful husband brought this all into perspective for me. I was telling him about the day as I want to make sure I'm communicating effectively and we discussed the differences between my emotional responses now compared to my emotional responses 4 years ago when he first started taking short term mission trips. He does see that they're different, but he said to me (and he is SO right on this,) "When you hear something that isn't really what you want or expect to hear, you let your head run away with it and it just runs rampant." And that, in a nutshell, was exactly what had happened today. I know it is, because it came on me so quickly and I couldn't shake it because I let it take over my thoughts.



So, what's with the corny title and The Commodores (seriously, I know you've been playing that video over and over just to listen to the song the entire time you're reading this, because I was listening to it over and over as I was writing)! Honestly, the song was just stuck in my head, but I started to think about it.

"She's a Brick....House...." "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." ~Proverbs 31:25

"She's mighty, mighty....." "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." ~Proverbs 31:17

So, that got me thinking....is God just continuing to strengthen me for something? Obviously. But for something greater? Maybe. Stick with me on this thoughtprocess.....I started thinking about the story of the Three Little Pigs.

Trip 1 - The first little pig - I built my house of straw, which the enemy could easily "huff and puff and blow my house down." The first trip was easy. Chris had been gone for 2 week trips in the past, so 3 weeks really didn't phase me that much, especially with baseball season and the pool being open.

Trip 2 - The second little pig - I had a house built of sticks. Somewhat strengthened by the first trip, but still with many holes and times when the enemy did indeed "huff and puff and blow my house down," but I continued to rebuild....the same house of sticks....until....

Trip 3 - The third little pig - The Lord is helping me to build a house of bricks.....a Brick....House....(I know you just sang that....) A house that the wolf cannot blow down and a house that will be a strong and carefully built temple of the Holy Spirit. There are no "coincidences" with God. Everything happens according to his will. It's no coincidence that trip 3 coincides with the start up of my Hopekeepers Jeremiah 33:6 small group for women dealing with chronic pain. Nor is it a coincidence that trip 3 coincides with the new therapy I'm undergoing for the treatment of my pain. NOR is it a coincidence that trip 3 is starting at the same time I'm eliminating gluten from my diet in order to make some life changes and control my inflammation. The Lord is not just building a spiritual and emotional brick house. The Lord could very well be building a physical brick house in me as well. A temple to withstand any wolf that dares to huff and puff outside my door. I can't think of anything better to welcome my husband home than to have a wife with the strength of a brick house. I'm on fire for the Lord to strengthen me.

Tonight, Chris told me that he has a team of 4 working with him starting next week. Not from his group, but the local ministry, Nehemiah Vision Ministries, will be working with him to help with the project and then October 10 there may be a team coming to help complete the project from Vineyard Mercy Response, the group that he is part of. After all, God is God, and if anybody is going to get the camp completed by the end of November it's going to be God, right? "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34 Perhaps I should worry about him going back again when we know for sure that he has to go back again.

So, with the emotional meltdown out of the way, I can get back to work....laying one brick at a time.

She's a Brick.....House.......

Day 49, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Conditional love no more

Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover.
I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful.
So I got up, went out and roved the city,
hunting through streets and down alleys.
I wanted my lover in the worst way!
I looked high and low, and didn't find him.
And then the night watchmen found me
as they patrolled the darkened city.
"Have you seen my dear lost love?" I asked.
No sooner had I left them than I found him,
found my dear lost love.
I threw my arms around him and held him tight,
wouldn't let him go until I had him home again,
safe at home beside the fire.
~ Song of Solomon 3:1-4 (The Message)

After a tiring, yet extremely positive day yesterday I seem to have had an emotional breakdown brought on by my own insecurity. These used to happen often, but have become fewer and farther between in the past 3 years or so. However, last night was a breakdown so intense that I thought I may get sick or hyperventilate. A panic attack of an extreme level, which I have rarely experienced, so the event was scary on a number of levels. The worst part? I took it out on my husband.

Now, my husband is no stranger to this kind of reaction from me as he's dealt with it numerous times in the past, but over the past 7 weeks, I thought I had reached a level of safety and security in our marriage. Apparently, I still have holes in that armor of security that the enemy is able to squeeze in at times and shatter my emotions, my trust, and completely twist and tangle the truth. Last night was one of those times.



The pastor of my old church used to say, "When you're walking with God the way you should be, Satan will jump on you with 2 feet." I have found this to be extremely true and know for a fact that I had let my guard down last night. 1 Peter 5:8 reminds us "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." Not that this isn't something I should be doing all the time, but I know from experience that when I'm feeling confident that I'm doing what the Lord wants me to do that I need to be particularly watchful of my own feelings and emotions, because I have a sneaking suspiscion that this is where Satan has his sights set on me. On top of that, when my pain level is considerably increased, I have a tendency to let my emotions direct my thoughts, which can lead to a pretty destructive circle of doubt and despair.

Tonight, in my quiet time with the Lord, He asked me "What would it look like if He demanded I show my love for Him the way I demand that Chris show his love for me?"

Wow. And as I burst into tears, I got it. I saw myself from a different perspective......

If God demanded that I show how much I love him often and in specific terms, I would fall short. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" ~Romans 3:23 I could never meet the demands of my Lord, for his ways are greater than my ways. So, who am I to demand that Chris show his love for me in any specific way? Who am I to demand that Chris show me his love at all? God tells me to love unconditionally. Not, love....but only if, etc. Not only am I to love without strings, but also I have no right to put myself on a pedestal where I believe I can demand the way a person expresses their love for me. I don't have the right to make love "conditional".



So, I now, too have a mission....to love unconditionally, beginning with my husband. I know that God is faithful and that with prayer and petition, that this area of bondage will begin to disappear. I used to think that I already loved Chris unconditionally, but I haven't. I was demanding to feel love back from him, and I shouldn't. If he could no longer speak, would I love him any less because he couldn't say the things I thought I needed to hear? If he were to become paralyzed, would I love him any less because he couldn't touch me or hug me when I thought I needed to be comforted? If he no longer had the strength he has now, would I love him any less because he couldn't help me in the areas that I needed a servant? No, no, and no. I would still love him, because of his heart and his love for the Lord. I love the man that God created him to be.

I no longer want to burden him with emotional responses, I want to love him. I no longer want to cry that I'm not loved, I want to love. I no longer want to worry, but rather surrender my emotional responses to the authority of Christ and let His peace wash over me in every situation. With Chris coming home in less than 48 hours (YES!) I will not let the enemy get in between my husband and I and overshadow my love. Tonight, I'm making the decision to begin loving without demand and giving my love freely. I am making the decision to start treating my husband like the gift from God that he is to me. I won't be perfect at it, but I will be persistent at redevoting myself to the process of breaking the ties that bind me. As it says in Songs of Solomon 3:4 "when I found the one my heart loves, I held him and would not let him go". I have 8 days to hold on to my husband until he returns to Haiti to complete his mission/project.

In those 8 days, I will love him unconditionally. I will love him unconditionally beginning today.

Day 47, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Nothing to fear but fear itself.....

“Lord, You establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us,”~Isaiah 26:12

For quite a few mornings now, my alarm has gone off and I have reset it for another 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. I've never really gone back to sleep after I have reset it, I just lay there not wanting to get up. It's starting to get cooler at night and the mornings are pretty chilly in Ohio now sometimes, so moving to get out of bed can be somewhat tricky when your joints don't want to go. This used to be my favorite time of year. Well, techinically it still is. I love football season, cool nights by a campfire, fall festivals and the food that comes with them. My first painful symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis began in September, and each September since the beginning, the change of weather here in Ohio brings a change in my disease for the season. Harder to manage. Harder to get going, well and sometimes to keep going.

With my husband still in Haiti (only for 5 more days until he gets a break...but he will return to Haiti after a week at home), I'm finding that the idea of going through the fall season is scarier to me than it has been in the past few years. For the first time since the onset of chronic pain, I'm faced with having to endure the season change by myself, and I'm unsure how that's going to look. The past 47 days while Chris has been gone have had considerable ups and downs, but I can honestly say that I've been okay. God's faithfulness has been remarkable, awesome, undeniably wonderful. However, fear....even a little bit, can cause every bit of my security and confidence to be violently shaken. So, it begs to answer a bigger question.....What are you afraid of?

Can you hear me okay? It's hard to talk with a mouth full of the pride I so desperately need to swallow......My fears are silly. That's what Jesus is telling me, to stop fearing these silly things. As I was writing this I agree, they're silly, even dare I say, stupid. But I don't think I'm alone in some of these. I'll let you be the judge. Here are my fears for the fall change of season and going through it alone:

1.) Judgement and endless criticism from my mother. This is a biggie. I have this belief that I cannot let my mother know when I'm having trouble managing my disease. My mother has had diabetes for over 50 years and I think she believes that I should be able to struggle through just like she has struggled through. Which, on a side note, there are HUGE differences in the life I have vs. the life she had when we were little. Anyway, long story short, there's a big difference in diseases and circumstances, but I can't find a way to tell her that in love, so I choose to not talk about it. Secondly, she has been extremely UNsupportive of Chris being gone from the get-go. I strongly believe that my mother thinks my husband has abandoned his poor, sick, partially disabled wife to go galavanting around a foreign country with no concern for how it affects his family. Again, not true. The distance is just as hard, if not harder at times, for Chris. He doesn't like being away from his family, but he's an obedient Christian man, who is doing what God has called him to do no matter the sacrifice. It makes my heart leap with joy that I have a husband like Chris. His heart for service is one of the many reasons I married him, and I wouldn't change a thing. So, to this I say "The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?" ~Psalm 118:6 or in other words, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The issues with my mother is an area of bondage that has needed my attention for a long time, and I trust that the Lord will continue to force me out of my comfort zone of silence and into a new comfort zone of using His word to fight the attacks of the enemy.

2.) Financial burden. Next week I start the Fibromyalgia Program that my doctor offers at his office. It includes one-on-one therapy with a physical therapist and nutritionist to help me find ways to better manage my disease. I am SUPER excited to be starting it, but for 8-10 weeks I will be on a reduced work schedule, which is going to take a chunk out of my paycheck. There is also the concern that Chris has been in the mission field for far longer than we had anticipated and his job security back here in the states may be at risk, which would leave us without any income from him. (Flashback to my mother's lack of support -- What's Chris going to do about his job? Is he going to work when he comes back for break? etc, etc, etc) Phillipians 4:19 (NLT) says "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." Though I have moments of "fretting" over money, I have found that there is a significant amount of peace I am experiencing in surrending this area to the authority of God. I know he will provide, he has shown me over and over that he will take care of everything I need. I may not always get what I want, but I will always have all I need if we're being obedient to what God asks of us.

3.) Being a burden. This is another pride issue. I don't ask for help. I don't like the idea of being an inconvenience to others, even my husband when he is home. At 32, I think I should be able to carry my own laundry baskets and move my own furniture. I should be able to clean my house from top to bottom in one day after I've stripped all the beds and folded all the laundry. At 32, I should not have to pace myself to take care of my home. WRONG. With each passing day, week, month, I'm finding that moderation is very key, and with the weather changing, moderation may not even help. So I've taken the first step in swallowing my pride on this issue by sending an email to my most supportive friends. Those that I consider family. I've asked them to email me and let me know what day during the week they have available to help me out. That way, I know who I can call on what days of the week. I like to think that this will make me more likely to ask for help, but I can't guarantee it. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" I am blessed to have wonderful friends. Graciously willing to give of their time and energy to physically help when I call on them. Lovingly listening to my emotions when the days come that the pain and fatigue is too much for me to bear. Most importantly, faithfully lifting me in prayer for strength and healing consistently. I know that these same friends are praying for me regularly. They desperately want to see me healed as much as I pray for healing. On days that I am so weary and so unfocused that it's hard to even pray or turn to His word, these people are interceding for me. What a blessing!! "My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God" ~Job 16.20



But much as I'd love to take credit for being strong and independent through this whole process, Isaiah 26:12 has reminded me that I do nothing for myself, but God makes all things possible through me,“Lord, You establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us.” I am continuing to learn what it means to fully surrender to the authority of Christ and loving the peace that comes along with it. The best part is that I think the best is yet to come. My time with Jesus has become more regular and I can sometimes even feel Him working in me and through me. It's been amazing.....and I am lucky enough to have more undivided attention to give just to Jesus. I can't wait to continue this phase of growth and this season of my life. As awful and heart-wrenching it has been some days to be without my wonderful husband, I have been rewarded so fully in my spiritual and emotional growth that I am hungry for more.

The fear is nothing. I'm already past it. I have extra time with my Lord and He outweighs anything else that may have been weighing on my heart.

Day 27, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - The Time and Place for your Game Face

"Without self-discipline, success is impossible, period.” ~Lou Holtz

Football season is revving up here in Ohio. I think you have to take some kind of oathe before moving to Columbus, Ohio...."I, Jacqueline Radford, do solemnly agree to follow, cheer, and become a die-hard fan of THE Ohio State Buckeyes." The scarlet-and-gray has seeped back into every department store, grocery store, and even gas station here in buckeye country and it's hard not to feel the anticipation of opening kickoff that's less than a week away. And, I'm not sure, but I think that maybe even Jesus is a Buckeye fan since last night during my time with him, he asked me to keep my game face on.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. ~2 Timothy 1:7

Putting on your game face is an act of self-discipline, of strength. Especially when you have to keep it on for any length of time. For me, I have to put it on from the time my boys are awake in the morning to the time they go to bed at night. I keep it on at work and running to the grocery store. Going to church or meeting with friends, all the while wearing my game face. Even when I'm talking to my husband in the evenings, I try my hardest to not burden him with my feelings, so therefore, I'm trying to keep my game face on even when talking to him. There are probably only a mere matter of minutes that I don't have my "game face" on. Jesus tells me specifically that I need to keep the game face on, but also tells me that I can take it off for Him.

Not giving in to the anguish and the heartache is an act of self-discipline. With a history of clinical depression and chronic pain, every moment of every day could have been disaterous for me. There are many days that I picked up, put on my "game face" and got ready for the day instead of climbing back into bed to cry myself back to sleep.

So, last night in my time with Jesus, I clearly heard him say that I need to keep my game face on. Stay strong. Don't get too mushy or lovey-dovey. But, he also said - "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28 Jesus wants me to remove the mask for him. Jesus wants my hurts. He wants my sobs and wails and cries and whys. When I fall limply into bed at night, feeling like a broken, sad little girl....Jesus wants me to reach for Him and find comfort in his arms. For there is safety there and there is healing there. He's making me new in so many ways. What greater honor to be able to abide in him.

It only takes a mere matter of minutes for the breakdown and the re-build of my shell. A shower or devotional time. Usually 10-15 minutes with the Lord is enough to straighten out my attitude to where I don't need the game face. It's just me, hangin' out with God.

So, while my heart continues to ache for the return of my husband....Jesus is teaching me some football techniques, putting on my game face (I'm tellin' you I got the vision of Jesus pointing at His eyes and then to mine....you know what I'm talkin about.) He wants to continue building my strenghth, but also wants to continue showing me when and where the appropriate times are to take the mask off.

Okay....game on, Jesus. It's 4th and goal. Teach me how to win this one.

Day 23, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Pain and PB & J

"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter." ~James A. Garfield

There are times when I just need a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When I came home after being in the hospital for a week due to complications from a gall bladder surgery, all I craved was peanut butter and jelly and Cool Ranch Doritos. Now, when I'm in a lot of pain, don't feel 100% or I can't sleep, I really want a good PB & J....and my husband makes the BEST PB & J in the world.

When I say my husband has a missionary's heart, it's putting it lightly. He serves unyieldingly each and every day. He gives and gives and gives. He gives physically and financially. The Lord has given him the gift of service in a big way. What comes to mind today is how much I take that for granted in our marriage....in my pain. When I hurt and even when I could be taking care of myself, he serves me. He asks what I need and he provides. Whether it's getting my medicine, adjusting my heating pad, helping me up the stairs, or just making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He serves me. Somtimes his mission is me.

But today, while I'm still dealing with my own disease, and while I still miss my missionary, I am filled with joy. Joy that God has me at a place in life where I can care for myself and though painful and tiring, I'm capable. My ability to care for myself is enabling my husband to serve the Lord in another area. Thankful to the Lord that he has blessed me with a God-fearing, God-loving servant as a husband. My husband has taught me how to treat others with more patience and grace. He's taught me how to give more abundantly and forgive more easily. I've seen him show unquestioning obedience to God, no matter how uncomfortable. What wonderful characteristics in a husband and also a father. I am blessed to have such a humble example for my sons to follow.

Today has proven to be another day of rest for me against my own desires to keep going. Lamentations 3:22-23 says "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Tomorrow is a new day and God's mercies are new every morning. So I rest and pray for renewed strength and pain relief tomorrow. I rest and pray for renewed strength for my husband tomorrow in a hot and tiring mission. I pray for other missionaries working with him who are battling sickness, climate, adjustment. I am here, doing my part in God's plan....the sacrifice.....though I don't consider being a mom or wife a sacrifice. But a lot of the time, my heart is with my husband and it aches for him.

So, as I smear my own peanut butter on one piece of bread and then spread the jelly on the other piece of bread, I am reminded of how much my husband has served me over the last 4 years of chronic illness.....and I couldn't be more thankful for him or thankful to God for blessing me with such a wonderful man to love.

Day 18, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Surrender and Grab the Heating Pad

“God insists that we ask, not because He needs to know our situation, but because we need the spiritual discipline of asking.” - Catherine Marshall

Well, it got me. The pain got me. Today I sit in the comfort of my cushy, foam king-sized bed and surrender to the pain that has been seething on the inside for days now. Is it my own lack of care that it got a hold of me so tightly? Or is it my lack of surrender to the Lord that has me where I am? I am a true believer that God will put you where you need to be in order to teach. So I admit,I have gone through many months of not talking to God about my pain simply because I felt, "He already knows." It's true, He knows. He knows pain very well. However, it wasn't until I came across the quote above that I realized, He wants to teach me to come to Him with it. Phillipains 4:6 says Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Not because he doesn't know about the pain, but because he wants to take it from me. But it's my job to surrender my control over my disease to Him.

Oh, to have the wisdom of my Lord. He knows. He just knows. He knew that I would have trouble collecting rent from Chris' tenants. He knew that I would have issues with my stepson's mom. He knew that there would be stress at work. All this week, He knew it was coming this week. But He has blessed me. He has waited until I'm alone, without having to care for my children, to bring it on. It's a gift really. He has blessed me with days of energy and low pain in order to help me care for my boys and get through this phase of Chris' trip with more ease than I thought was possible. He had told me, many times, not to overload this week without the children with "stuff". But it is a PHYSICAL issue, not just a mental and emotional one. Yes, I do believe God wants extra time with me this week, in the quiet times. But now, I'm starting to believe that He also knew that this was the week that the pain would flow more freely. That this was the week that He would loosen his grasp on the pain and He knew that this was the week I need to rest. Not just emotionally, but physically. And He, in his great wisdom, wants to teach me to quiet myself AND teach me to take the pain to Him during my quiet time.



In all seriousness, I have no control over my fibromyalgia or my rhuematoid arthritis. What I need to surrender is the control of attempting to "control" my symtpoms and flare ups. More rest, less stress. More quiet, less anxiety. More prayer, less medicine. More God, less me. That's not to say that God wants me to suffer, I'll still be using my heating pad, taking my maintenence medicine, and getting as much sleep as possible in order to maintain my disease. But I need to surrender the disease to the Lord, and, in the quiet, listen to what it is he wants me to do about it.

Day 14, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Anticipating the Quiet

"Listen in silence, because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God." ~Mother Teresa, "No Greater Love"

I have a hard time quieting myself. My mind is always racing in one direction or another....kids, work, business, house, dogs, friends, T.V., etc. I attempted to quiet my mind when I was in the shower last night, but it seemed like only a matter of seconds, maybe only one second, before my mind was worrying about other things. Last night, it was medicine, sickness, laundry....all before I could even stop and realize that my mind had wandered away from the "silence" I was trying so hard to obtain. We're a nation overwhelmed with media, responsibilities, and expectations.

When I was in college I got into the habit of falling asleep with the T.V. on. When I look back on that time in my life, I realize that I started leaving the T.V. on at night because I didn't WANT the silence and I didn't want to be left with my thoughts. Sometimes memories and life is painful, and I used the noise and activity of the T.V. to drowned out the things I didn't want to deal with. I would not recommend this to anyone. It didn't teach me to cope with my emotions very well and it's been an uphill battle to re-teach myself some very important coping skills since that time. Even though I feel I've made great strides in how I cope with my emotions, I still find that I leave the T.V. on at night, which I think is more out of habit now than actually needing it.

My husband bought me the book "No Greater Love" By: Mother Teresa for my birthday this year. At first I kind of did a mental eye-roll, which was really inappropriate of me. Of all the missionary hearts I should be exploring, wouldn't I want to know the thoughts and experiences of Mother Teresa? But I picked it up for the first time about a week ago and wow....it's been awesome. I haven't read much, but what I have read has really hit home with me for things that my heart has been yearning to work on. What I'm realizing now is that I'm lacking the "quiet" in my quiet time with the Lord.

So, though it may not seem like a lot to some people, beginning at midnight, I will be computer free for 24 hours. I have had my computer on 24/7 since Chris has been gone, as I always want to be available if he needs or wants to communicate with me. God is telling me to stop being preoccupied with that. He wants more fasting from media and more turning to Him. It may seem insignificant, but for me it's a baby step towards obedience.

Day 3, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Lifting fog

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. ~Mark Twain

There's a phenomenon I deal with called "fibro fog". Now some may argue that it doesn't exist and I even think my husband is very skeptical, but from the others I have talked to that have fibromyalgia, this is a very real and frustrating symptom of the disease. What is it? I'm glad you asked.....It's exactly what it says it is....it's like being in a fog. Everything's kind of blurry. What you're trying to say, what you're trying to do, what you're trying to remember...it's like knowing you know what you know, but not really sure you know it....for sure. Yep, it's as confusing as I just made it sound. It's my #1 reason for losing my keys or the checkbook. Okay, so maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, too, but I'm gonna claim "fibro fog." Everyone experiences it differently just as everyone experiences the disease differently. I have a gal I work with that if you didn't know she had fibromyalgia, some days you'd think she was sitting at her desk all doped up. Okay, I admit, sometimes she is "medicated", but aren't all of us that deal with chronic pain? Fibro fog makes you feel disconnected.

The past 2 weeks my relationship with Jesus has been wandering around in the "fog". I've been disconnected. Like I said in my last post, I did a total 180 and when I did, I wandered into the fog of doing life on my own. I grew up out in the country and when it gets foggy there, it REALLY gets foggy. I remember fall mornings going to a certain window in the house to see if I could see the neighbor's security light (they lived 1/4 mile down the road), because I knew that if I couldn't see their light that I could probably go back to bed because school was going to be delayed. Now, when I looked out that window, whether I could see the light or not, I KNEW the house was there. I knew our neighbor's house hadn't gone anywhere even if I couldn't see the light. That's how my relationship is with Jesus. Even in the fog, He's still there. Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." We just can't see him because we've put "stuff" (in my case, my husband) between us.

The best part about fog is that it clears. At some point, Jesus calls you back to him and the fog that has been surrounding you clears. An "A Ha" moment. Even with Fibro fog, it doesn't last forever, it clears and you can function normally, whatever normal may be for you. So even when I'm not feeling 100%, I like to remind myself that the fog clears and normal is around the corner. Even when I know I've turned my eyes from God, I find comfort when I feel the fog clear and I refocus my attention on Him. He has been waiting for me in the fog and sometimes he's been waiting there a long time. Sometimes, He knows we're in a fog, but I don't know I'm in a fog. But he stays there with me, waiting for me to have my "a ha" moment and He clears the fog for me.

Today is my 32nd birthday. I've been in and out of "fibro fog" for almost a year now, chronic pain for 4 years now. I have had seasons of very...dense...fog. But for tonight, it's clear. So as Mark Twain put it, "It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it." Thanks to my relationship with Jesus, though, I don't have to do it alone.

Day 1, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Another Send Off

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. ~Psalm 28:7

It's been wonderful having my husband home the past 2 weeks. Though I prayed that God would make each minute seem like 100 minutes, time continues to pass regardless and alas I had to take my husband to the airport again this morning for the second leg of his work in Haiti. All of the materials have arrived at the camp in Haiti and I know that my husband will be enduring long, grueling 14+ hour days for the next six weeks. I pray for the Lord's protection, but not necessarily for safety. You see, I heard a sermon long ago speaking to the obedient Christians about how being a Christian was not "safe" and that we shouldn't pray for safety. Serving for the Lord, especially in an oppressed and persecuted country, will never be "safe". Therefore I pray for the Lord's protection for my husband in an unsafe, primitive country. And I pray that the Lord will meet him there and bless his work.

How quickly my focus changed from Christ to Chris the minute he got home. I now see how easily I can slip back into my old ways of completely submersing myself in my marriage and family. It's an idol issue. I've been slowly reading, well listening actually, to "The Hole In Our Gospel" by Richard Stearns and it references Matthew 19:20-21 ~ "All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. You see, there is something that all of us need to "give up". Perhaps it's not material possessions like the young man in Matthew, but there is something for all of us that is keeping us from being all that God intended for us to be. Something keeping us from the life that Jesus intended. What's standing in your way from being the person God wants you to be? Is it money? Is it food? Is it lust? For me, one of those things, if not THE thing, is my family, the relationships and how I interact with my family. I realized yesterday that I had completely shifted focus from my relationship with Jesus back to my marriage the minute Chris walked in the front door for his leave.

I know without a doubt that God has wonderful things in store for me. What are they? Don't know, but I do know that they're wonderful. Matthew 7:11 says ~ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! I am refocused on changing myself....surrendering myself to be the person that Jesus has intended for me to be. It will require sacrifice, but I'm ready. I believe that I can have joy and have it abundantly as well as serve more passtionately, if I just let Jesus have his way with me.

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
~Francesca Battistelli, "Beautiful, Beautiful"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbCfyZHSQbE&feature=avmsc2