Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 2 - Haiti Mission - Ohio Thunderstorms, the pain they cause, and pride

"Just because it looks pretty outside, doesn't mean you're feeling pretty." ~Shannon Ghizzoni, Physicians Assistant, Columbus Arthritis Center

As my eyes fluttered awake this morning to the bright sunlight streaming through my drapes, it didn't take long for me to realize that the sunshine outside didn't mean that moving for me was going to be easy on the inside. I remembered the storms moving through last night, but I wasn't prepared for the pain this morning. It's Sunday, which means a huge range of emotions for me regarding the day, but the most evident today is guilt. Not that I believe that God would ever condemn me for not being in church every Sunday, but I do believe that there are people in the church and even friends and family that pass judgement when I mutter those 4 insignificant words, "I'm not feeling well." So, I spent the morning in battle with myself about how hard I want to push myself today. Unfortunately, the pain won and I crawled back into bed.

There is a bad habit I have do I say it....not giving the most accurate representation of my pain. Yeah, I think that's a good way to put it. In the past 2 weeks, the heat and humidity have caused pain to rage through my body incessantly. Have I talked about it? Not a lot. I've taken a lot of medication and gone on my way. Like, dangerously overmedicated? No, it just means I've taken more than I normally need to. You see, here's the thing. I don't want my husband to think that I can't handle life without him. Yep. Totally a pride issue. As a matter of fact, I don't want ANYONE to think that I can't handle life without him. I don't want anyone to think that I can't handle this life, this pain, at all. Period.

So here's the downward spiral.....that means that eventually as people see you continuing to push through each day without even as much as a wince of pain, they assume that when you finally decide to succumb to the disease that you must be exaggerating. In other words, "It can't possibly be that bad." Oh, but it is. And it's at that point, in complete helplessness that the Lord humbles me and brings me back to where I need to be. Matthew 6:6 says "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." My most intimate moments with God are the ones where I have been down on my knees, in the dark, surrendering everything to Him because I'm finally resigned to the fact that there is no more that I can do. Should I let it get to that point? Nope. Totally a pride issue.

I spoke with Chris briefly via Skype last night. The connection was bad, and I couldn't really understand much that he was saying, but I am delighted that he has made it safely to his destination. As their work there progresses, I am confident that the communication abilities will improve. As for now, I don't know when I'll talk to him again. My heart is aching for my husband, but I was reminded by a wonderful friend that this is God time and I need to relax and abide in Him. I have abstained from crying and being emotional for days/weeks/months now as a matter of pride. To prove to my husband and my mother and my friends and my family and everyone who doesn't really matter that I'm strong enough to do this. When the truth is, I'm not. I have physical limitations that are going to hinder me every day that he's gone. And the truth is, I need Jesus because he strengthens me supernaturally. When I ask him to come and strengthen me for the minute, the hour, the day, He does. All glory to him that is made strong in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). So today is the day....the day I stop and let His grace cover me. Today is the day that it all comes to a head. In the presence of the Great Physician, Comforter I surrender my physical pain and today, in this moment, my emotional pain.

"This is where the healing begins. This is where the healing starts. You come to where you're broken within....the light meets the dark." ~Tenth Avenue North, "Healing Begins

No comments:

Post a Comment