Monday, June 28, 2010

Day 3 - Haiti mission - Going it alone, sort of

"in you I trust, O God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me." ~Psalm 25:2

There are areas of all of our lives that we have serious difficulties trusting God with, right? You know I'm right. What is it? Money, work, media, family? I know that I have my fair share of areas. A lot of areas. Tonight, my struggle is with placing my son in the care of God. Now, this has not always been the case. When I was first divorced, I was completely sold out to Christ. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God went with my son wherever he went and had complete faith in my Lord. When I was wavering, all I needed to do was turn to Psalm 121:7-8 "The Lord will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Today, I can honestly say, I think my faith is wavering. Have I grown comfortable or complacent? I really don't know. All I know is that I'm in a custody battle and that I'm finding it difficult to trust God to make the right decision. Crazy. Even crazier that I know it's crazy.

I was having coffee with a good friend one day and she was talking about how we should be holding ALL things with an open hand. Everything we have belongs to God....our husbands, our children, our jobs, our homes......everything. It all belongs to Him. He is free to do with it what he wishes. He can take any of those things at any time he chooses. The question is, do I trust Jesus enough to see me through whatever His decision is? So in other words, God can choose to ALLOW me to lose this battle, but do I have the trust in God to believe that it will all work out for his glory? No, I don't. That's my struggle. I would honestly, at this point, believe that God is wrong. I don't mean that as blasphemy, only honesty. As parents, we firmly believe that we know what's best for our children......especially compared to what the "ex" thinks is best. But to put that into perspective, for myself if for no one else, doesn't God feel the same way? As my parent, doesn't he know what's best for me? So if He decides that this is what's best, who am I to argue with my Heavenly Father?

I spoke with Chris last evening for a nice length of time and briefly today. The internet connection is still hit or miss. He is adjusting to the climate and the taste of the water. I'm calling on Jesus to help me realize that I'm not going through this fight alone, even though without my husband by my side, it feels very much like it did 7 years ago. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know my husband is very supportive and we are still making decisions together and talking it over. But the one thing that remains the same even in Chris' absence, God still goes with me. He was there 7 years ago, and He's here today. It's just a matter of opening up my hand again to this part of my life. Without realizing it, I have closed a tight fist around my kids. My boys are the possession of the Lord, not a possession of mine. Yes, he has asked me to be a good steward of their lives, teach them in the way they should go, discipline where needed, and show them love, but ultimately, they belong to the Lord. So I pray that the Lord would increase my faith, help me to trust Him more. He's got this one.

No comments:

Post a Comment