Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 13 - Haiti Mission - The Squeeze

The heat and humidity in Ohio has been brutal the past few days. I have been going, going, going.....nonstop since, well, about last Friday. I know better than that, but I keep wanting to do more with my kids, or my friends, or at work, etc.

So I started feeling "squeezed" yesterday morning as I was driving to Wapakoneta for a final pre-trial hearing in a custody dispute with my ex-husband. I really don't like conflict and any court precedings make me incredibly anxious. Courthouses have the ability to make me feel like I have done something wrong, even when I haven't. I knew that this was a formality and that nothing any worse than the visitation schedule I already have was to come. The uneventful trip was over quickly....with a continuance and a new date for another hearing in hand, I headed back to Columbus.

The "squeeze" had eased up some, but I still was feeling anxious and under pressure. I had been praying all day, but at some point I had begun praying "spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me." I know it's part of a song, but for the life of me I don't remember which one or even how it goes. I just like the idea of the Spirit of God falling fresh. New. Renewing me. As I placed myself into the hands of the Holy Spirit, the squeezing began to loosen up, until I was overcome with relaxation. Renewed. Fresh.

Today, I'm experiencing the "squeeze" of physical pain and the "pinch" of self-conviction. I had to tell my boys that I didn't feel well enough to take them to the pool tonight. The heat and humidity has made my pain increase a little more each day. It breaks my heart to have to back out on plans with my kids. Now as a person with chronic illness, it's just a fact of life that any commitment I make is not set in concrete, but that's hard to explain to an 8 and 10 year old. Sometimes it's hard to explain to adults. The waistband on my pants is causing significant pain and they won't let me go to work pant-less. I've asked. But that's where the pain level is. Hurts to sit, hurts to stand, hurts to walk. My wonderful bed is comfortable, but I can't carry it around with me.

So here I am, feeling defeated, like I'm incapable of caring for my kids just because of this day. The rain started about an hour ago, so thankfully the pain should ease in the next 24 hours. Tomorrow will be a new day to try again. God's mercies are new each day. I need to start showing myself the same kind of mercy each morning as well.

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