Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 6 - Haiti Mission - Growing Pains

"Be still, and know that I am God;....." Psalm 46:10

There have been many discussions that I have had with close friends about how I feel like I'm a toddler to God. You know what I mean....hearing Him tell you to do something and responding, "but I don't waannnntt toooooo." Growing in the Lord requires discipline, faith, trust.....and pain tolerance. There are many times that I've gone through spiritual growth that I've told the Lord...."ya know, I'm good, I don't really need to grow any more, do I?" That's because just like anything worthwhile, it's work and sometimes it's painful. Without doubt, my relationship with Christ has always been strengthen and nurtured once on the otherside. But sometimes it's the getting through that seems unbearable.
I look at the title and think...."Wow, only day 6, eh?" It feels like so much longer. I've had some attack in the past 6 days, but have been able to handle it and pray over it and keep myself in check regarding my marriage and my husband. What I wasn't expecting and I am having trouble handling is how much I miss my husband. I miss the sound of his voice just having him in the house. We use Skype, but due to the bad connection and a microphone issue with his computer, he always comes across sounding like a robotic chipmunk. Not quite as comforting as I sometimes would hope for. So last night, after a long day of work and not being able to talk with him like I wanted to, I was irritable, and frustrated, and I know I took it all out on him.

Let me be very clear.....that is NOT the kind of wife I want to be and it is NOT the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I understand that I'm human and that we all have moments, but I am very disappointed in myself and disappointed that I can't keep my emotions under better control. It's been very clear to me that this was a trip that I really needed to handle with complete faith and surrender to the Lord. I tend to "freak out" in my husband's absence. The Lord has been very clear that I should NOT be a burden to my husband during this time, that I should not cause any unnecessary stress for him. Today, I'm needing to keep that calling in check. Wow, as I sit here it dawns on me that this is service as well. I'm trying with all that I am and all that I have to be obedient to what God is asking me to do, no matter how difficult it is for me emotionally. I tend to think of it in terms of the scripture above "Be still". One of the things I love about God is how he works through other people to get the message across. Today, my best friend told me to "Shut up." Now my BFF is a gal of great poise and good manners, so I know that this did not come from her. But she's right....He's right....I need to shut up. It's part of the growth, to take the loneliness and fear to Him, not to my hubby.

You know, I don't mind having old wounds ripped open for the sake of growth.....especially when I have Christ as my Neosporin. You know, heal quicker....scar less.

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