Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 9 - Haiti Mission - Desperation

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~Matthew 6:27
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

Okay, I admit was the day. What day are we on? Day 9. Mark it on the calendar. It only took Jacque 9 days to fall into complete insecure desperation. What causes it? That's simple. Nothing. Simply not knowing, not connecting. That turns into feeling ignored and feeling unloved and unneeded and unwanted.......and the snowball runs down the hill getting bigger and faster until BOOM! It hits a tree and explodes. That's the way my mind works. Today was Ka-BOOM.

Ahh, but where does the snowball start? That's easy, Satan himself is sitting under my window carefully crafting snowballs and handing them to me one at a time until he can get one to take off.....down the hill......For the most part I have been able to throw them in the sink and they melt, no harm done. Today, however, was the day I was carefully examining each snowball and how well they threw and how well they rolled until eventually one or two took off.....down the hill......

I hadn't talked to my husband in a couple of days and after the first day, I began examining the snowballs. First one - he's busy, or maybe that's what he wants me to think. Maybe he's having a really good time and doesn't want to ruin it by talking to his wife. Second one - he's not feeling well, he's laying down, someone else is there taking care of him and his thoughts and attention are with them. Third one - I've said something to upset him and now he's not going to talk to me for a while to teach me a lesson .........blammm.....down the hill.......

BUT......the beauty in this lesson for me is that I can let the snowballs go. You see, today for the first time, I have just sat and allowed the Holy Spirit to bring His peace down and cover me. (for all you guys who missed service this week, check out Rich Nathan's sermon this week at, click on sermons.) And as I went through the day, my desperation for contact with my husband became desperation for contact with Jesus. A supernatural peace. A peace I have very rarely experienced in my Christian walk. The more I resisted attempting to contact my husband, the more peaceful I became. Until I realized that I hadn't been worrying about any of it for a good part of the afternoon. Quite a revelation.

My husband is doing well. He's feeling better. He's eating and sleeping. There are some kinks in the plan, but it's God's plan and it will work out just the way God intends. I need to have as much faith in God's plan for me as I do for God's plan for Chris. That's for sure.

So for now, I'll watch as the devil throws snowballs at me and as they roll down the hill. The only difference is that I'm not in the middle of the snowball to reap in the destruction at the end of the run. I'm just gonna let the snowball come and go, throw it in the sink to melt and drain away. No snowball is going to throw me off course any more. Because now, I'm desperate for Jesus, not desperate for emotion and attention. He's got eveything I need.

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