Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Day 18, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Surrender and Grab the Heating Pad

“God insists that we ask, not because He needs to know our situation, but because we need the spiritual discipline of asking.” - Catherine Marshall

Well, it got me. The pain got me. Today I sit in the comfort of my cushy, foam king-sized bed and surrender to the pain that has been seething on the inside for days now. Is it my own lack of care that it got a hold of me so tightly? Or is it my lack of surrender to the Lord that has me where I am? I am a true believer that God will put you where you need to be in order to teach. So I admit,I have gone through many months of not talking to God about my pain simply because I felt, "He already knows." It's true, He knows. He knows pain very well. However, it wasn't until I came across the quote above that I realized, He wants to teach me to come to Him with it. Phillipains 4:6 says Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Not because he doesn't know about the pain, but because he wants to take it from me. But it's my job to surrender my control over my disease to Him.

Oh, to have the wisdom of my Lord. He knows. He just knows. He knew that I would have trouble collecting rent from Chris' tenants. He knew that I would have issues with my stepson's mom. He knew that there would be stress at work. All this week, He knew it was coming this week. But He has blessed me. He has waited until I'm alone, without having to care for my children, to bring it on. It's a gift really. He has blessed me with days of energy and low pain in order to help me care for my boys and get through this phase of Chris' trip with more ease than I thought was possible. He had told me, many times, not to overload this week without the children with "stuff". But it is a PHYSICAL issue, not just a mental and emotional one. Yes, I do believe God wants extra time with me this week, in the quiet times. But now, I'm starting to believe that He also knew that this was the week that the pain would flow more freely. That this was the week that He would loosen his grasp on the pain and He knew that this was the week I need to rest. Not just emotionally, but physically. And He, in his great wisdom, wants to teach me to quiet myself AND teach me to take the pain to Him during my quiet time.

In all seriousness, I have no control over my fibromyalgia or my rhuematoid arthritis. What I need to surrender is the control of attempting to "control" my symtpoms and flare ups. More rest, less stress. More quiet, less anxiety. More prayer, less medicine. More God, less me. That's not to say that God wants me to suffer, I'll still be using my heating pad, taking my maintenence medicine, and getting as much sleep as possible in order to maintain my disease. But I need to surrender the disease to the Lord, and, in the quiet, listen to what it is he wants me to do about it.

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