Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Day 3, Part 2 - Haiti Mission - Lifting fog

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. ~Mark Twain

There's a phenomenon I deal with called "fibro fog". Now some may argue that it doesn't exist and I even think my husband is very skeptical, but from the others I have talked to that have fibromyalgia, this is a very real and frustrating symptom of the disease. What is it? I'm glad you asked.....It's exactly what it says it is....it's like being in a fog. Everything's kind of blurry. What you're trying to say, what you're trying to do, what you're trying to remember...it's like knowing you know what you know, but not really sure you know it....for sure. Yep, it's as confusing as I just made it sound. It's my #1 reason for losing my keys or the checkbook. Okay, so maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, too, but I'm gonna claim "fibro fog." Everyone experiences it differently just as everyone experiences the disease differently. I have a gal I work with that if you didn't know she had fibromyalgia, some days you'd think she was sitting at her desk all doped up. Okay, I admit, sometimes she is "medicated", but aren't all of us that deal with chronic pain? Fibro fog makes you feel disconnected.

The past 2 weeks my relationship with Jesus has been wandering around in the "fog". I've been disconnected. Like I said in my last post, I did a total 180 and when I did, I wandered into the fog of doing life on my own. I grew up out in the country and when it gets foggy there, it REALLY gets foggy. I remember fall mornings going to a certain window in the house to see if I could see the neighbor's security light (they lived 1/4 mile down the road), because I knew that if I couldn't see their light that I could probably go back to bed because school was going to be delayed. Now, when I looked out that window, whether I could see the light or not, I KNEW the house was there. I knew our neighbor's house hadn't gone anywhere even if I couldn't see the light. That's how my relationship is with Jesus. Even in the fog, He's still there. Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." We just can't see him because we've put "stuff" (in my case, my husband) between us.

The best part about fog is that it clears. At some point, Jesus calls you back to him and the fog that has been surrounding you clears. An "A Ha" moment. Even with Fibro fog, it doesn't last forever, it clears and you can function normally, whatever normal may be for you. So even when I'm not feeling 100%, I like to remind myself that the fog clears and normal is around the corner. Even when I know I've turned my eyes from God, I find comfort when I feel the fog clear and I refocus my attention on Him. He has been waiting for me in the fog and sometimes he's been waiting there a long time. Sometimes, He knows we're in a fog, but I don't know I'm in a fog. But he stays there with me, waiting for me to have my "a ha" moment and He clears the fog for me.

Today is my 32nd birthday. I've been in and out of "fibro fog" for almost a year now, chronic pain for 4 years now. I have had seasons of very...dense...fog. But for tonight, it's clear. So as Mark Twain put it, "It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it." Thanks to my relationship with Jesus, though, I don't have to do it alone.

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